If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
