Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
