I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
