i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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