All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
