I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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