I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
