i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
