piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
