does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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