i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
