Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize