im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
