So drunk its hurt
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
