Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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