I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You're completely useless in the revolution.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
