everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
