Jerry, you need to find god
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
