my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
