Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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