i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
