its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
