You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
