Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
