Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
