I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
