i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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