i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
