I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
