I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
