I just pynch a tree in the face
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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