You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
