i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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