You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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