im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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