I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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