i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She told me I should be a condom model.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
