Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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