That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
