trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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