You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
