He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
