wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
