chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
