He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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