Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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