Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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