I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
