I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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