So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
